The Slice: Heads up, winter is nigh

These are just theories.

But here’s why some of our friends and neighbors refuse to wear a hat when outside while it is snowing.

1. They don’t know any better.

2. Cannot abide hat hair.

3. Prefer to go into work and have rivulets of water streaming off their scalps and onto some important papers or a computer keyboard.

4. Weren’t raised right.

5. Cannot abide hood hair.

6. Too cool for hats or hoods.

7. Don’t own any hats.

8. Hadn’t seen a forecast/neglected to look outside before sallying forth.

9. Afraid of getting prized ballcap wet.

10. Wasn’t snowing when they left home.

11. Don’t think there’s any problem with melting snow on your head.

12. Belief that wearing a hat erodes personal freedom.

A snippet of native folklore: This is from “The Spokane Indians,” by Robert H. Ruby and John A. Brown.

“Because he was lonesome, Coyote, after several failures, made Spokane man.”

(A bit later, Coyote created Spokane woman. That’s about when the trouble started.)

Sign of the season: Doug Bruce had a question. “My wife and I are wondering if others suffer from depression during the holidays upon learning what underachievers we and our families are compared to the over-the-top Christmas letters we receive.”

Today’s Slice question: Why has Santa never had his sleigh hijacked during his annual late December trips through the Inland Northwest?

I mean, it’s not like we don’t have people here capable of stooping that low.

Even those of us who are fond of the Spokane area might readily acknowledge that we have our share of reprobates, miscreants and malefactors.

We have people who swipe packages off porches. We have hit-and-run drivers. We have people who regard assault as a way of life. We have people who steal flowers from graves. We have residents who hold up long lines by chatting with the clerk or cashier as if nobody else is waiting.

The list goes on.

So, with all these problem personalities in our midst, why hasn’t anybody here ever mugged Santa and taken off with his stash-stuffed sleigh?

Please share your theories.

Or perhaps someone has tried to boost Santa’s rig but met with surprising, decidedly unjolly resistance from the big guy and his rough-and-tumble reindeer.

Just imagine.

Write The Slice at P. O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email pault@spokesman.com. The kinesiology of snow shoveling suggests you’re probably doing it wrong.