Getting back in the swing

The talk is familiar. The girls chat about their clothes. They giggle. They roll their eyes about bum boyfriends, men who are scared to get too close. Then the band starts and they are on the dance floor in a big group, girls dancing with girls.

The boys are late. When they arrive they sit and watch, act aloof. Perhaps they may get out and dance after a little bit of bottled courage. Of course, there are only a few compared to the 20-plus women.

A typical night in a Spokane bar, where singles are looking for fun and perhaps a date and, if they are really fortunate, maybe a relationship.

But this isn’t the young; the group gathered a couple weeks ago at Gibliano Brothers Piano Bar are baby boomers, singles in their 50s and 60s. The online social networking site Meetup.com brought them together as part of the group New Beginnings for Single Boomers.

“When I got divorced four years ago, I kinda just didn’t do anything,” said Gratia Hasness, who organizes events for the meetup group that has grown from 180 members to 378 in the past year. “I didn’t feel like dating for years. It’s really hard to meet people. When I divorced I only knew one other person in my age group who was single.”

While skimming the personal ads in the newspaper, Hasness found a notice for the singles group. Now she attends events – dancing, bowling, dinners, plays – about three times a week. Like many of the New Beginnings members, she also participates in other meetup groups such as the Rat Pack, the Social Adventurers and 45+.

Hasness likes always having something to do with a fun group of people her age.

“I joined more to meet other women,” Hasness said. Then she pauses. “But I would like to have a man in my life.”

Yet the search is frustrating. Hasness describes it as “high school” and fears that older men, especially after a divorce or two, don’t really want a relationship. She recently had a boyfriend, but she said when they started to get close, he broke it off.

“They dance, flirt but never ask us out” she said.

Ellen Perlis moved to Elk from Eugene 2 1/2 years ago and has found it difficult to find friends, especially men to date. Like many others, including Hasness, she’s tried online dating. There are plentiful online sites, including those specifically for single seniors. Even AARP has an online dating site and a regular blog called Sexology. Of course there are books, including “Dating After 50 for Dummies.

Perlis prefers the meetups because she can actually go out and have fun with friends, man or no man.

“I go to these things and people have similar concerns – they’re divorced, widowed,” Perlis said. “We’re all scared about doing our senior years alone. But it’s not about meeting men, it’s about socializing.”

Jerry Robinson has been divorced for years and has a grown son. He loves the camaraderie of the meetups and he doesn’t do the “normal” male thing of hanging on the perimeter. He dances – all night with every woman in the group. The women love his willingness to participate. He might go on a few dates but he has no desire for marriage. He waves his hand and turns his head when the topic comes up.

The women laugh. Most of them have the same reaction. They want a relationship but marriage isn’t the goal. Most have already tried that route, more than once. They just want someone to share life with. To be present. To have intimacy.

“I don’t want anyone moving into my house,” Perlis said sternly. Harness nods and co-organizer Karen Hiett, who is widowed after a 35-year marriage, blurts “hell no.”