He’s presumptuous just like his mother

EDITORS – Carolyn Hax is away. In her absence, we are offering columns from her archive.

Dear Carolyn: This year I will be spending all of my vacation time (and money) on traveling for or with my boyfriend’s family. I understand that I do this voluntarily, but in a very real sense it is also somewhat compulsory because that’s what couples do, and because his mother says, “You will be joining us for Christmas, right?” So my boyfriend and I talked about taking a brief, private trip for New Year’s after being with his family for a week.

Well, after meeting his mother for dinner last night, he came home and said, “My mother said ‘no’ to our New Year’s trip.” And that was the end of it. We are both adults in our 30s, and are paying our own way. I don’t understand why I’m being horrible in saying that it’s not her place to say no.

He claimed that though I have great parents, they raised me badly, and that I feel I have the right to do whatever I want. I think he needs to cut the strings, and take some responsibility for his life. – Annoyed

Maybe I lack imagination, but I can think of only two things someone would do upon deciding his mate was ill-bred: break up with the damaged goods, or try to fix them.

You do assert your side, that you think he’s the one who needs fixing (a problem unto itself). However, the facts of your question suggest the willingness to adjust/improve/please is running strictly one-way. Your boyfriend plans trips, you go. He cancels, you don’t go. You protest to him, he insults you.

He doesn’t just have a controlling and presumptuous mother, he has a controlling and presumptuous value system.

Already, you have the shaken confidence in your own beliefs to show for it. Please get help – competent counseling, stat – and learn not just how to get out from under this guy’s thumb, but also how to flick away anyone else’s. Stat.