Doug Clark: Tennis doesn’t deserve any backhanded compliments

Looking to add seasoned alumni talent to his roster, Eastern Washington University’s new men’s tennis coach Steve Clark drafted me to play this morning at the EWU courts.

That’s the Walter Mitty version, anyway.

The truth?

Clark, no relation, invited me to play a 9 a.m. exhibition doubles match today as a comedic prelude to the serious and real finals of the EWU Fall Classic tennis tournament.

Public invited. Laughter and verbal abuse encouraged.

I’m being used, of course.

Clark knows I’m more stumblebum than Wimbledon.

I’m a twice-a-week hacker with bad knees and a weak backhand.

The coach just wanted some publicity for his team and the tournament. He figured an aged tennis bum like me would roll over like some piddling puppy for a chance to hit with real players.

Call me Rover.

But I’m more than happy to give tennis some ink.

Tennis gets a trickle of the media attention given to football and the other mainline sports. Yet tennis athletes work just as hard at fitness and perfecting their racket craft.

Not that I’m whining. Tennis just isn’t very popular. That’s reality.

True tale: On Friday, I drove to my Cheney-based alma mater to talk to Clark and hit a few balls with the former college tennis standout.

I pulled into the parking lot not far from the famed red-turf gridiron – Go Eags!

Directionally impaired, I rolled down my window and started asking random students where the tennis courts might be.

FIRST KID – “Uh, on the other side of the campus?”

SECOND KID – “Don’t have a clue.”

THIRD KID (pointing) – “I think they’re over there, on the other side of that big concrete building.”

Number Three had the right idea. The EWU courts are just south of the athletic complex.

But my experience told me how far off the radar tennis has sunk since the glory years of Sampras, Agassi and Chang.

Coach Clark hopes to elevate interest at Eastern by introducing what he’s calling “Smashmouth Tennis.”

Smash huh?

“Gritty athletes who fight,” he explained.

To put it bluntly, Clark wants to instill in his program a warrior mentality, developing athletes who’ll scratch and grind and …

Win.

A reputation like that just might gain a campus cult following.

I say we also resurface the tennis courts to match the scarlet football field. That would help get a buzz going, too.

Any tennis-minded donors out there?

I hope the coach is right.

One of the real attributes of tennis is that it’s a lifetime sport.

Look at me. I may be a wreck, but I could still keep a rally going with Clark when we got on a court.

Well, as long as he kept hitting the ball at me, that is.

Chiseled and fit, Clark, 53, is the former men’s head tennis coach at the University of California Irvine, an NCAA Division I school. He was an All-American college doubles player back in the day, and his resume contains a laundry list of academic and competitive distinctions.

I like him. I met Clark when we played a “just for laughs” doubles match about seven years ago.

Then I was paired with a 68-year-old lawyer. Clark was on the other side of the net with a young lefty who was obnoxiously good.

Receiving Clark’s serve was like trying to catch an incoming missile.

Even more humiliating, fine players can place the ball practically anywhere on the court whenever they want.

I’d go one way, say.

Clark would hit it the other way.

I’d go back. Clark would drop it over the net.

It was like getting your pants yanked down in public.

As I recall, my team managed to win just two points in two entire sets. After the humiliation, my partner pulled an old jockstrap over his head in shame.

I told Clark he had to be my partner this time.

I don’t mind being used. Abuse, however, has its limits.