Annie’s Mailbox: Am I being used for giving free child care?

Dear Annie: At least once a week, my oldest daughter, “Alice,” asks me to babysit her two kids. I have back problems and cannot get up and down all the time. She has never offered me a dime, even when she was married and had two incomes. I could use the money.

Alice recently went through a divorce. I babysat a lot during that time, but she never showed any appreciation. Alice blames me for everything bad that has ever happened to her, because I divorced her father. So I feel guilty and agree to babysit all the time. Of course, their father moved away without saying goodbye to any of the kids and was out of their lives for seven years, leaving me with two teenagers and a 9-year-old to raise on my own. He never paid a drop of child support.

I am remarried, and my husband and I like to have the weekends to ourselves. We would love it if Alice brought the kids over for a visit and stayed. But she drops them at the front door and speeds away. She is often gone for hours. She doesn’t answer her cellphone when I call to ask when she’s coming back. The kids run out to her car, and she zips off.

Alice never phones just to talk, only to ask me to babysit. If I don’t answer, she drives over and pounds on my door. I’m afraid to sit on the porch for fear she will show up and ask me to babysit. All of the children are now reunited with their father. Why doesn’t Alice ask him to babysit once in a while? – Hiding Out in Indiana

Dear Hiding Out: You need to be more assertive with Alice. Tell her that you’d like her to visit once in a while instead of using you as a drop-off service. Also say that you love the kids, but cannot babysit so much. Be sure she knows you mean it. It’s OK to say no, even if it makes her angry. If you want to work out some type of payment, that’s between the two of you, but don’t be afraid to bring it up.