The Slice: Opportunity lost: ‘Ocho’ as nickname

While dealing with a friendly, efficient bank teller, I noticed a display of the young man’s business cards.

His first name is August. I asked for the back story.

Apparently assuming I had never heard of August as a name, he politely explained that it was an old German moniker. To show him I understood, I mentioned beer pioneer August Busch.

Pressing on, I said I had wondered if there might be some family affinity for late summer that prompted his parents to name him that.

Nope.

OK, not everything is a story.

But what if people did name newborns after the months on the calendar?

January: Isn’t an actress on “Mad Men” already using that? Still, you could say you wanted the kid to be all about beginnings.

February: You could call the youth “Febbie,” “Febert” or “Febs.” The child wouldn’t dare grow up to be a wimp about winter.

March: Might go well with a last name such as Hare or Madness. “Forced” is one nickname option.

April: Too late. The “creative” spellers have gotten their mitts on this.

May: Is a name already, but doesn’t seem to get much use these days. Just don’t turn it into “Mayella” and saddle the child with “To Kill a Mockingbird” baggage.

June: Same. But don’t name her brother “Benny.” Not that kids in their circle would be familiar with that filmed-in-Spokane movie.

July: Has an Old West sound, probably because of the “Lonesome Dove” character July Johnson. “Authorities seek the whereabouts of July Condon.”

August: Family could say the choice reflects an abiding regard for the golden days of summer. Or parents could say it’s a classic name. “You know, like August Wilson.” Could call the kid Augustus for added distinction.

September: Too many song references.

October: “Octo baby?” Don’t think so.

November: Might lend the kid instant gravitas. Until, of course, people start saying “Novie.”

December: I think someone has already used this, spelling it Rebmeced.

Warm up question: We’ve all heard of Silverwood, and even Ironwood. But what other metal might sound good coupled with “wood”?

Today’s Slice question: What’s your advice for 2012 graduates?