The Slice: A Tuesday fit for a fake illness

Today is a big fake calling-in-sick day.

Slackers wanting to stretch the long weekend can be counted on to phone or email various made-up excuses for why they can’t make it in to work. Happens every Tuesday after Labor Day.

So, if you are a boss, how can you tell when an employee is lying? That’s easy. Just keep reading.

Believe it: The employee claims to be stuck in a hammock. Have you ever tried to extricate yourself from one of those things?

Doubt it: “I’ve come down with a touch of the summer flu. Maybe it’s full-blown Spokanthrax.” Nah.

Believe it: “I threw my back out helping my grade-school daughter put on her 75-pound backpack.” It happens.

Doubt it: “I have diarrhea.” Oldest trick in the book. People think this is so disgusting that the boss will want to cut short the conversation and put the matter out of his or her mind. But not all managers are dopes.

Believe it: “I got drunk and sunburned my genitals.” Some things sound so stupid they almost have to be true.

Doubt it: Amnesia. “So how did you remember where you used to work?”

Believe it: Employee explains illness in a normal speaking voice. This is called being an adult.

Doubt it: Employee goes into amateur-thespian mode and tries to sound as if he or she is at death’s door. Right.

Believe it: “I just realized I wasted my summer and need a mental-health day to regroup.” There’s a lot of that going around.

Doubt it: “I can’t stop rockin’. Need another day, Dude.” Actually, that’s probably on the level. The real question is why did you ever hire that person?

Believe it: “I’m lost in the woods.” Around here, anyone willing to admit that might be telling the truth.

Doubt it: “I have a 24-hour thing.” How convenient.

Believe it: “I was at Pig Out and have Acquired Garlic Syndrome.” Just say, “See you Wednesday.”

Doubt it: “The thought of coming to the office has made me momentarily insane.” Some workers don’t realize their boss has read “Catch 22.”

Today’s Slice question: Has your boat ever sunk?