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The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Bigfoot’s life more than cheerleading

Someone has posted a video on YouTube showing Sasquatch striding through the woods, right across the river from Downriver Golf Course.

This video is just like hundreds of other Sasquatch videos, except for one thing – this Sasquatch doesn’t live in a remote, untracked wilderness. He lives about three miles from downtown Spokane.

I began to wonder: What would life be like for such a sad, urban Bigfoot? Fortunately, I didn’t have to wonder long, because I stumbled across Sasquatch’s diary.

Some excerpts:

• Routine day. Skulked in woods. Hid from cars. Ate a dachshund.

• Swam river. Jumped fence. Played nine holes.

• Routine day. Skulked in woods. Ate tourist.

• Snuck into class at Spokane Falls Community College. Aced zoology quiz.

• Never understood why so many humans encroach on territory every day. Then I saw sign that said “Centennial Trail” and light slowly dawned. Ate a bicyclist anyway.

• Learned to ride new bike on Centennial Trail. Love it! More efficient than lumbering or plodding.

• Attended game at SFCC. Turns out, I am mascot! Led cheer.

• Routine day. Skulked in woods. Wandered downtown at bar-closing time and ate some drunks.

• Wandered over to SFCC. Snuck into play at the Spartan Theatre. Verdict: A rollicking comedy riot! Two very large thumbs up.

• Swam river. Jumped fence. Still haunted by sight of human wearing plaid knickers on 13th green.

• Snuck into class at SFCC. Turns out, I’m only three credits short of degree.

• Went roaming neighborhood across river in search of food. Walked into place called The Flying Goat, but extremely disappointed. Turns out they have no goat at all, much less flying one. Drank beer and left.

• Routine day. Skulked in woods. Dodged photographers. Does everyone have camera phone now? Really?

• Sought mate but found only one otter, one skunk and one meth addict. Not that desperate.

• Swam river. Played disc golf. Used disc golfer as disc. He made whimpering noises every time he landed.

• While hiding in lair, was discovered by a small child. Spent afternoon in pleasant conversation about SpongeBob SquarePants.

• Routine day. Skulked in woods. Fantasized about staging own outdoor rock festival.

• Came across fly fisherman. First thought he tasted horrible, but then realized it was the neoprene waders.

• Spent morning making large footprints in mud. Returned to find that someone had ransacked lair. Stole my new bike and fly rod. Neighborhood going to hell.

• Worst day of year! More than 50,000 people jogging past lair. Many sweaty men veered off road and marked territory. That’s my territory! One man high-fived me and said, “Great costume.” Made him regret it.

• Routine day. Skulked in woods. Starred in video. Spent day fielding media offers.

• Thinking about using appearance money to move to wild, remote wilderness area where I can roam free and undiscovered. Decided against it. Roots are here. So are mascot responsibilities.

Reach Jim Kershner at jimk@spokesman.com or (509) 459-5493.