Seeing old signs that led to split

Dear Carolyn: This guy and I dated in college, and he was not faithful to me. I guess some of it was typical college behavior, but it still wrecked me pretty badly. He was also a big drinker, very sociable, never had time for me on weekends because he had to be in the thick of everything.

Fast-forward six years – we reconnected via Facebook and started dating again. In many ways he’s nothing like the college kid I once knew, but in others (outgoing, many female friends, likes to party) he’s very much the same. All I see are reminders of the same behaviors that led to his cheating in college. How do I convince myself it’s not going to happen again now? – Learning to trust?

If I rephrased your question – “How do I keep my blinders from slipping, so I don’t see anything bad?” – would you still think it’s a worthy goal?

It’s a tricky business, figuring out whether you’re the problem or someone else is. Once you start trying to “convince yourself,” though, you’re essentially saying you’ve decided where the problem lies, and you’re only willing to accept evidence in support of that one conclusion.

But what if you’re the one who has grown up – at least to the point where you now recognize signs you missed six years ago?

Certainly it’s possible he’s both very friendly and very faithful.

But the only way you’ll be able to recognize the truth of what’s going on is if you get rid of your preconceived ideas and let the facts tell you what’s happening.

If you’ve already tried to have an open mind and you still can’t tell whether you’re just paranoid or he’s still playing around, then it might be time to step back from dating altogether for a while.

It’s of vital importance that you learn to read your feelings – and recognize what’s good for you amid competing influences, pressures, desires and needs.