Mild promises help keep the peace

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

On the division of labor at home:

Almost everyone I know struggles over this. I offer no solution, but suggest that people ask themselves, to what standards do you, as a couple, agree to regularly clean the house? Clean enough so that it’s comfortable and not stressful to come home to? Or clean enough for your mother-in-law to drop in unannounced? Or just clean enough that if Child Protective Services stops by, you wouldn’t be written up in the newspaper?

My husband thinks the toilet doesn’t need to be cleaned unless it actually looks dirty; I think it should be thoroughly sanitized once a week. The question, though, is not who is right, but rather: Is there an amount of dirtiness I can stand that overlaps with an amount of cleaning he can stand doing?

If so, then that’s our toilet-cleaning frequency. If not, then is he willing to do more just to keep me happy, or am I willing to do more just to keep me happy?

This concept can be stretched further, too. I like the kitchen island and counters to be clutter-free all the time, but my husband thinks this is a pain, and silly. On the other hand, my husband doesn’t like to see clean dishes drying on the countertop, but I see drying dishes as a waste of time, since the air will dry them.

Ah ha, I can foresee a deal: I will (usually) keep the countertops free of drying dishes; and he will (usually) keep the counters clutter-free. Not an explicit agreement, no sanctions if one of us is too tired, or forgets, or otherwise fails. Just: I promise I will try to do what I can to not bug you, I hope you will do likewise, and I won’t hold it against you if you sit down in front of the TV one evening without honoring our deal, because sometimes you need to chill out. This is not a scorecard, it’s a marriage. – C.