Carolyn Hax: Daughter’s anger cause for concern

Dear Carolyn: My two grown children and a daughter-in-law joined my husband and me on a recent vacation.

During our vacation, my daughter made a rude remark to my daughter-in-law. Daughter-in-law reacted; my daughter’s response became more heated. As my daughter was apologizing later, Son demanded that Daughter be more specific with her apology. That sent Daughter into a screaming, cursing frenzy and sent Brother into anger defending Wife. It was all quite ugly.

She has since apologized to us, but only after going into a screaming frenzy about her being the bad guy in the family; that she has a lot of hurt and pain herself, etc. She refuses to explain where all that came from. We were shocked.

We think she owes her brother and wife another apology. After her last explosion, however, I wonder if we should even bring it up again. I have always tried to be sensitive about equal attention, love, etc., to both my children. How can I help? – Distressed mother

The most helpful thing you can do – to achieve your own ends and, more importantly, to help your daughter – is to stop seeing this as a narrow vacation-insult-apology issue. The number and intensity of the outbursts say your daughter has bigger demons inside.

Your daughter may have picked up on subtle biases in your treatment, or suffered for reasons unseen. Maybe, too, it’s not the past, but her present that’s churning things up – stress or trauma she hasn’t shared, perhaps. When someone’s behavior takes a surprising turn, it’s important to consider an underlying medical cause, too, if only as something to rule out.

Enough with asking her for bigger and better apologies. This time, just tell her you’re worried about her. Tell her you’re sorry it took you so long to see her anger. Tell her you’re ready to help her now. Be patient, vigilant, kind.