The Slice: He’s the coolest, and knows it

The Slice managed to track down and interview the only person in the Spokane area who doesn’t love hot weather.

You wouldn’t believe the answers.

Q: What’s wrong with you?

A: Nothing mashing the MAX COOL button can’t fix.

Q: Do you have a lake place?

A: No.

Q: So you’re a Commie?

A: No. I just don’t like high temperatures.

Q: Is that legal in Spokane?

A: Look, I get it about water recreation and playing outdoors. It’s just that I’m perfectly capable of feeling vibrantly alive without sunstroke and sweat.

Q: Ever tried wearing Hawaiian shirts?

A: That wouldn’t change my mind. Autumn’s my season.

Q: How do you hide your secret shame?

A: Oh, you know. The usual. When someone at work says it’s going to be in the 90s, I go “Woo-hoo!” And when the heat wave arrives, I spout the traditional nonsense about it being too nice out to be inside working.

Q: Have you thought about therapy?

A: I like 72 degrees. I don’t like 89 degrees. Sue me. I’m always amazed that people here don’t relocate to California or the Southwest, where they can realize their dreams of living like lizards sunning on a rock.

Q: Now, now. Don’t be bitter. I’m sure if you just explained your attitude to people, they would understand. Wouldn’t they?

A: No. They would act like those peabrains who think dissent is disloyal. In Spokane, you’re supposed to be gaga about hot weather. End of story.

Q: Who do you blame for that?

A: The media.

Today’s Slice question: Ever stop to calculate what some of your small daily expenses add up to over a year?