Carolyn Hax: Show kindness in refusal

Carolyn:

I have a friend who is pressuring me (and others) to fix her brother up on dates. He seems nice, but I know his story, and it involves professional disgrace, financial problems and depression. None of us feels comfortable introducing this man to anyone. I’ve tried to put her off, but she won’t stop. She is blind about her brother and a real control freak. How can I get her to back off without telling her that her bro is a loser no one should date? – Crazed

Wow. This reads like an advice columnist’s philosophy exam: “Who’s in worse shape, the loser, the myopic control freak sister who defends him, or the person who befriends the myopic control freak sister yet plainly dislikes her?”

Nevermind. Obviously if this man is corrupt, then you can’t play matchmaker. Done. But disgrace, debt and depression are three D’s that leave room for recovery. Must everyone who is brought low, even by their own poor behavior, be sentenced to remain low for life? Are you really as comfortable with that as your letter suggests?

Maybe this disgraced brother hasn’t done the hard work to fill those holes he dug, or you aren’t close enough to know. Fair enough. Even if he were fully redeemed and restored to health, you’d still be under no obligation to fix him up, or anyone else, for that matter.

But you made no mention of this guy’s current state, just his past one. That alone makes a case for showing this family a little compassion, even as you say no.

You: “I’m sorry, but I won’t set up anybody I don’t know well, not even your brother.” Repeat as needed.

She: “Why not? He’s (insert sisterly rationale here).” Or, to account for varying levels of discourse: “Come on, you’re so (guilt trip here).”

You: “My answer is final.” Repeat as needed. It’s control-freak handling 101 – the gentle but unyielding “no.”

Carolyn: What type of person thinks he never does anything wrong? After yet another argument with my boyfriend of 4 1/2 years, he called and asked if I was willing to change my behavior to make the relationship work. When I said of course and asked if he was willing as well, he said “No, I think I am doing right by this relationship.” How can he possibly think he does nothing wrong if we have had ongoing problems over the last few years? – B.

I propose a different conversation. Not “What changes are you willing to make,” but, instead “I’m me. You’re you. What next?” Elective changes would have happened by now. Evaluate what you have.

Do this for yourselves, for each other – and for your friends and family. I don’t know any of you, and I know you’re both driving them nuts.