The Slice: This may be a first for Loon Lake Man

A couple of years ago, a writer at the Washington Post took note of headlines over the years that had included the versatile phrase “Area man.”

Ever since reading that account, I’ve wondered about the S-R headline adventures of South Hill Man and North Side Man. But I was a little nervous about what I would find.

Well, it’s not all bad news. North Side Man, for instance, “Has been decorating parents’ home for the holidays for 45 years.”

And he was “In right place at right time.” Which is always good.

But his death was “Suspicious.”

That must have been before he “Shot wife of 54 years in front of granddaughter.”

Sort of makes you long for the days when North Side Man was “Obsessed with collecting Boy Scout paraphernalia.”

Of course, it hasn’t all been a bed of roses for South Hill Man either.

There was, after all, that time he was “Sentenced to 30 months in federal prison.”

Then there was that case when the headline writer noted that the “Nature of crimes draws extra time” for him.

Not to mention the sorry day when he was “Tied to prostitute’s death.”

Or the time “Smoke from fire” killed him. Or the time he was burned “Trying to douse apartment house fire.”

Man, that’s grim.

But what of South Hill Woman? Well, you’ll be pleased to hear that she “Crochets blankets for foster children through special program.”

Isn’t that nice?

Of course, she’s not without a wild streak. Remember the time she was “Guilty on 14 charges”?

Or the time she “Planned to kill her ex-husband”?

Thank goodness a “Canine alert Schnauzer” was there to help her “manage diabetes.”

And North Side Woman is no slouch either. I guess that’s why she was “Remembered for her hard-working, creative nature.”

Before that, she was busy asking the city to “Compensate her for allowing nearby apartments to be built.”

Then there was the time it was said she “Sees possible scam.”

Way to stay alert there, North Side Woman.

Now, it must be noted, the cast of characters in S-R headlines extends far beyond those four.

Take troubled Deer Park Man, for instance. There was that time he was “Arrested in theft at grocery store.”

Or the apparently fetching Post Falls Woman. She was a “Contender for Miss America.”

Then there’s the volatile Idaho Man. Once, he was “To stand trial in ‘boat-rage’ dock brawl.”

And who could forget South Hill Boy and how he “Became starting UI quarterback, Gonzaga law school graduate.”

Meantime, poor Valley Girl “Suffers from rare disorder” and “Dies after alleged assault by mother’s boyfriend.”

Valley Boy? Well, he was “Injured when scooter hits car.” Like they say, it’s rough all over.

Even our own Area Man can’t get a break. His “Death is seventh logging accident this year.”

Sometimes it’s just better to stay home.

“Today’s Slice question: Who else around here has Hank Aaron’s autograph?