Dear Kiantha: Mothers must learn from their children, too

Dear Kiantha,

My son refused to see me on Mother’s Day, and it broke my heart into pieces.

Our family has been in crisis from the moment he came to us and declared that he was transgender and wanted to be referred to as “she.” He demanded that we all use the new name and pronouns, or we would not be able to see or spend time with him.

The problem is, I did not give birth to a “her” and I feel bullied into doing something I am uncomfortable with.

Dear Friend,

I can imagine how much your heart hurts not seeing your child. I ask that you consider that your child’s heart was equally hurt not seeing you. After all, there is nothing that is comparable to a mother’s love, and anything that gets in the way of that connection hurts.

In the moment, staying away may have felt like the only measure she could have taken to help you and the family understand that for her, her gender expression is nonnegotiable.

Parenting doesn’t come with a handbook. And throughout my decades of motherhood, I’ve come to realize that it’s not just my job to teach my child, but that I need to learn as we both grow.

One of my biggest lessons as a parent is continuing to learn that as the world changes, so must I. That does not mean that I do not hold tightly to my core values or belief system; instead, it means that I must learn how to apply the new information I continue to learn from the new world we live in to what I already know.

Take this opportunity to learn more about your child and what she’s experiencing. Groups like PFLAG (pflag.org) and the Human Rights Campaign (www.hrc.org) have online resources and support groups that may be able to help you on your journey.

Soul to soul,

Kiantha

Dear Kiantha can be read Fridays in The Spokesman-Review. To read this column in Spanish, visit www.spokesman.com. To submit a question, email DearKiantha@gmail.com.