Practice flexibility; uncancel Christmas

Dear Carolyn: For two years, we have been celebrating Christmas on the Sunday before. It started when Daughter 1 couldn’t make it on Christmas and asked if she and her family could come the Sunday before. Daughter 2 said we should all be together and celebrate on that day.

All the kids and their spouses have tons of fun. It worked out fine – until last year. Daughter 2 had a baby and now wants to have Christmas on Christmas Day, no deviation.

All things change and cannot be the same forever. There is mega-arguing going on among a few kids about it, so I got angry and canceled Christmas.

Daughter 2 is a wonderful person but just can’t get it through her head that nothing ever stays the same. I thought that from last year to this, she would think things over and see the light, but no such luck. – Looking forward to your help

I’d point out that Daughter 2 learned her stubborn ways from someone, but I’m afraid you’ll cancel your newspaper subscription.

I don’t doubt that the fighting among your kids got ugly, and I sympathize with your frustration. You had something that worked for everyone, and you want to preserve that.

It’s just that in resorting to my way/highway tactics, you did exactly what you decry in your daughter.

Backing down is never easy, and two conditions make it even harder: certainty you’re right, and having made a big public stink about being right. You’ve got both. But, I suggest you back down anyway, if for no other reason than to show your inflexible daughter (and you?) what loving flexibility looks like.

Start by apologizing to everyone for losing your cool. Then, demonstrate leadership by explaining to all that from now on, you will schedule the gathering for the date that allows the most people to attend – be it the Sunday before or the day of or the week after.