Leaving sick wife would look bad

Dear Annie: I’ve been married over 25 years and have three terrific children. Three years ago, my wife found out she has cancer. She went through all the treatments, and although the doctors say her original cancer is gone, she still needs to come in for more tests to see if cancer has since developed elsewhere. She won’t go.

She seems better mentally and physically, but I’m at my wits’ end. There is no sex drive from her whatsoever, and if I mention it or try to initiate sex, she’s cooperative, but there is no emotion or sensuality. It’s like a chore to her.

I’m a well-known citizen in my town, but it’s getting harder to stay married. I’m afraid it will look bad to leave her, and I’m not sure my children will understand. I’ve met other women and enjoyed the attention. I know I can find someone to satisfy me emotionally and physically.

Our house is clean, there is food on the table, bills are paid, but I’m not happy. There is no time for counseling, plus we’re long past talking about her lack of libido. How can I walk away on good terms? – Dilemma in the Midwest

Dear Dilemma: Your wife of 25 years develops cancer, is probably going through menopause, and although you are intimate, she isn’t as gung-ho about it as you’d like. You decide to leave because you can’t make time for counseling. You’re right; it will look bad, and your children will never forgive you.

If you really wanted to save your marriage, you’d make time for counseling, but it’s obvious you are only looking for a way out that will not wreck your stellar reputation. So you need to give the impression that you’re making an effort. Go for counseling. Allow your wife the opportunity to work on this. Marriage is not all about you.

Dear Annie: My mother, 74, lives in another city and delights in criticizing family members, friends and everyone except strangers. Yesterday, while chatting on the phone, she told me my nephew’s girlfriend answered questions with “Naw” instead of the proper “No,” so she rudely and sarcastically corrected her. Mom said this while laughing and expected me to laugh along.

She has always been like this. No one measures up. We were raised to never criticize her, since the consequence is days of sulking and revenge. Even my long-suffering, spineless father follows this policy. How do we handle her? – Disgusted

Dear Disgusted: People like your mother need to constantly prove their superiority because they are secretly afraid they don’t measure up. It’s probably too late to change her, but at the very least, when she behaves rudely, you can express your disagreement. If she sulks for a week, so be it.