Doug Clark: Behind the IQ curve? That’s just criminal

A scheme is being hatched to move Kootenai County Jail inmates into the Geiger Corrections Center west of Spokane for extended, not to mention cost-effective, sleepovers.

The plan, which is in the offering stages, is to bring in 30 male felons from North Idaho at a rate of a little more than $60 a day, including room service and those little mints on the pillows.

“The more bodies we have,” Geiger Director Leon Long stated in a news story, “the lower the rates.”

Long sounds like he’s putting together a cruise ship package deal.

Each incoming Idahoan should receive a special Geiger orientation packet. Inside will be bleach for disinfecting needles, a soap on a rope (to prevent against awkward dropped-soap shower moments) and a glossy map of the Geiger grounds with a “you are here” X and escape routes conveniently noted.

Example: “Ladder in unlocked tool shed.”

Sorry. My normal role is to trample even the slightest bud of progress. But I’m giving this jailbird transfer idea two sharpened toothbrush handles up!

Our homegrown riffraff have become a disgrace. I’m hoping a transfusion of North Idaho crooks will help raise the local criminal IQ curve.

It’s not that I want to see bad guys prosper. But I find it humiliating to open the newspaper practically every day and see the following headline:

“Tracks in snow lead to suspect.”

At first I thought our police reporter was trying to hoodwink the editors by writing the same story over and over again.

This happens quite often on the Business page. Tragically, however, the recurring snow-print stories are all separate cases.

Now I don’t expect our population of larcenous, tweaker scumbags to be Mensa members. Actually, I’d be shocked if any of them were smart enough to be Costco members.

But leaving snowy getaway tracks only compounds our sad geopolitical image. Outsiders already think of this area as Spo-Can’t.

And who can blame them? We’ve had mayoral perversions. We’ve had cops who sublet their basement to a pervert or think displaying the man gland qualifies as flirtatious behavior.

True story: On Thursday I got a call from a representative of the “Dr. Phil” TV show.

The woman wanted me to help her get in touch with the three boneheads who ran naked through a Spokane Denny’s – in January 2004. I don’t know why Dr. Phil is interested in this now. But the point is I had to tell the woman no.

This is Spokane, I said. We’ve suffered through 60 municipally mortifying scandals. And that was August.

I can barely keep up with last month’s naked woman in the downtown Taco Bell. A three-year-old Denny’s streaking is more washed up than Donald Rumsfeld.

The woman hung up. I’m betting Spokane is now on Dr. Phil’s crap list.

Oh, well. Nobody’s very happy with us these days.

Even the Seahawks don’t want to practice around here any more. Honestly, if that’s the way they’re going to be I have two words: Go Bears!

What I’m saying is that we all need to be aware of how our behavior might be perceived by people who don’t live in the Land of the Weird.

Yes, even burglars need to stop and think before leaving that snowy trail of footprints.

Consider walking backward. Or maybe come prepared with a pair of plywood Sasquatch shoes.

That would at least make for more entertaining headlines.

“Police track Abominable Snowman.”

Bring on the Kootenai County jailbirds. Once they get to Geiger, perhaps they will instruct the prison populace on the finer points of pilfering.

Question – How can you tell your cellmate is from North Idaho?

Answer – You catch him cutting eyeholes in your sheets.