Doug Clark: Too bad there’s no vaccine for stupidity

Despite the marvelous advancements in modern medicine, there is still no cure for stupidity.

Case in point: The Spokane Regional Health Board voted unanimously Wednesday to sack the agency’s director, Dr. Kim Thorburn.

The move is as moronic as it gets.

Thorburn is a skilled professional. She’s passionate about her job. She’s tough-minded and outspoken.

In deciding to dismiss her, the board had nothing bad to say about her performance or her competence. All they could muster up was some rubbish about a so-called “fractured relationship.”

At least that was less idiotic than past criticism. A numbskull once complained in a Health Board evaluation that Thorburn dresses “in California casual attire that does not illustrate professionalism the job demands.”

Where’s that stupidity vaccine when we need it?

I tried to illustrate this fashion folly last August by becoming Thorburn’s wardrobe consultant. Scouring thrift stores, I gave her an extreme makeover. The spoof should have been enough to shame board members into leaving Thorburn alone and going back to their main preoccupation of admiring themselves in mirrors.

It was too much to hope for.

But the question remains. Why would these board members risk alienating the public by cutting such a trusted professional off at the knees?

Luckily, I have spent much of my career dealing with that pompous subspecies of humanity known as political weasels. In that time, I have learned to decipher their native doublespeak tongue.

I will now reprint a few quotes that appeared in this newspaper from some players involved in the Thorburn sacking. I will then translate the statements to reveal what was actually being said.

The following quotes are from Todd Mielke, Spokane Regional Health Board chairman and Spokane County commissioner.

Mielke: “The board is looking to go a different direction.”

Translation: We want a lap dog. You know, some stooge who will sit up and beg or roll over on command.

Mielke: The board is “looking for a dynamic relationship with their health officer that does not exist.”

Translation: We say ‘Jump.’ The health officer says ‘How high?’ What’s so hard to understand?

Mielke: “They didn’t believe a cohesive relationship existed or could be repaired.”

Translation: The woman won’t listen. She’s so stubborn. One time she bumped into a county commissioner at a luncheon and wouldn’t kiss his ring. The nerve!

Mielke: It’s time “to move on.”

Translation: Wanted: One spineless boob who won’t be such a stickler about those pesky public safety regulations that get in the way of commerce. Applicant must take orders and keep mouth shut.

Mielke: “I think people can do the Monday morning quarterbacking.”

Translation: “We don’t care what the public thinks. Citizens are mindless jerks. After all, they voted for me, didn’t they?

Mielke: “The board wants a dynamic relationship with the health officer.”

Translation: I just love saying ‘dynamic relationship.’ It makes me feel like I know what I’m talking about.

Mielke: “Most professionals are looking for arrangements where a board wants that.”

Translation: And by professionals I mean burned-out quacks who can barely tell the difference between an anal and oral thermometer.

We close with a final quote from Dick Denenny, Regional Health Board member.

Denenny: “She’s on administrative leave.”

Translation: Good riddance, Doc. And don’t let the health district door smack your gluteus maximus on the way out!