Do what you can live with

Hi Carolyn: I’ve recently broken up with my boyfriend of five months who had been one of my closest friends for the last six years. I knew that by embarking on the romantic relationship boat we were risking our friendship, based on a couple of things: Namely, he has a history of serious commitment-phobia; I have a history of not keeping ex-boyfriends around as friends. But I loved him and he, well, said it “felt right.” So now he wants to date other people, and I’m heartbroken, of course. He wanted to keep in touch, but I’m not sure I can imagine being friends with him now that he’s dating other women, moving on, etc. I’m wondering if I’m being immature. Is this something I should try to grow past for the sake of being a more loving person and for the sake of our friendship, which was unusually close? Or is this not so much of a “should” situation? – Used to be Friends in Omaha

It’s easy to argue against “should” here. This is friendship, not flossing, and if it makes you unhappy, then forcing it would seem to defeat the purpose.

But. “Unusually close” says you found enormous rewards in his companionship. Is it possible you could enjoy those rewards again? If the only obstacle you need to clear is an initial heartbroken-agony-and -awkwardness stage, then trying to salvage the friendship could be an emotional test worth taking.

One argument in favor of trying is that you have no commitment to honor here; the test is strictly emotional, and you don’t get penalized if you quit halfway through. Obviously you want to give it your best effort, but if at any point you realize you’re torturing yourself/losing out on happier opportunities/just not feeling it, you can put down your No. 2 pencil and leave.

Hi Carolyn: My fiance and I are going to be married in a few weeks, and we agree, for a variety of reasons, that I should keep my maiden name.

But my friends who have taken this route have warned me there will be many people who, mistakenly or intentionally, will change my name for me. Any advice on how to tactfully correct people and not make a big deal out of it? – J.

The surest way not to make a big deal out of it is not to make any deal out of it. Don’t correct people.

And, the people who really matter to you will either know already, or they’ll ask how to address you now that you’re married.

The people who do require tact aren’t worth the trouble to correct.

As for the rest, let them keep making an innocent mistake. When they find out, most will have the sense not to get huffy. And for those who don’t, see “aren’t worth the trouble,” above.