Grant County ad is rated ‘D’ for Doug

Attention, TV watchers. Please pause for the following public service warning:

In a few weeks a regional cable channel will begin airing a commercial that contains scenes that could cause nightmares in small children.

Especially the scene that shows me dancing with a large dead fish.

This, I know, is not the mature comportment many of you have come to expect from me. But understand something before you judge. Yes, I surrendered my dignity.

But I did it for a good cause.

Namely, 250 bucks.

That’s what my buddy and bandmate Charlie Schmidt said he’d pay me to be in a commercial he was filming to promote Grant County tourism.

Talk about an ironic burst of karma. Schmidt called on Thursday afternoon – the very day I ripped the Washington State Tourism Office’s universally unpopular new promotional crap-phrase, “SayWA.”

In retrospect, I may have been overly harsh on SayWA. After a few days of mulling it over, I now think I understand what it means.

SayWA is the sound overpaid marketing consultants make when they run out of good ideas.

Que SayWA, SayWA, as the song goes.

Our Grant County neighbors to the west have adopted a tourism trademark with a hint of sex appeal.

“Get it on in Grant County.”

That’s the slogan centerpiece for Grant County’s self-promotional campaign.

Spokane’s Bill Burke – of Pig Out in the Park fame – came up with the catchphrase. His Burke Marketing agency contracts with Grant County. Schmidt was hired by Burke to produce and direct the TV spot.

Schmidt hadn’t read my SayWA rant when he called. He just needed someone to play the anonymous middle-aged tourist in the commercial. So he seduced me with greenbacks and fed me a line of hooey about how perfect I’d be.

No one has ever appreciated my acting ability before, mainly because I can’t act.

So I said sure, and Schmidt was impressed I could take the job on such short notice since “most people I know have to work.”

It wasn’t long after stepping inside his South Hill studio Friday morning that I began to get a clearer picture of what he was really looking for. “We mainly needed somebody with bad legs who would hold a fish,” he explained.

Fish?

Schmidt never said anything about holding a fish.

Note to self: Next time demand to see script before saying yes.

The commercial is designed to convey recreational opportunities that await Grant County visitors, like fishing, sunbathing, beach play and bird-watching. Joining me in the fake family frivolity were Schmidt’s daughter Sydney, 7, her cousin, Joe Ferrante, 7, and Burke’s wife, Desiree.

“What’s my motivation?” I asked Schmidt, remembering an article I once read about method acting.

“Concentrate on the fact you’re getting paid,” he barked.

The commercial, which will be aired in April through July, is all about conveying fun. It’s backed by a musical soundtrack, which meant that we had to groove to a bouncy beat in every shot.

That ain’t easy when you’re holding a monster walleye or tuna or whatever with two fingers hooked inside the beast’s slimy gills.

For authenticity, the codzilla was rushed up from Grant County in an ice-packed coffin.

As the music played, I stood grinning like a fool with one arm around Desiree and the other arm trying to bob the fish like a monster maraca.

At the end of the scene, I extricated my aching hand. It was covered with disgusting bloody fish mucus.

Note to self: Next time hold out for $275.