You Should Get Counseling

Dear Ann Landers: As we all know, women shouldn’t be forced to have sex. Not even married women. Men have gone to jail for raping their wives.

I know this will sound incredibly insensitive, but what is wrong with considering sex a marital obligation? There are women who, for whatever reason, just don’t want to have sex. Maybe they’ve grown tired of it. Maybe they never much cared for it in the first place. Regardless, many of these women are married to men who still want sex. Yet if the man pressures her for sex or looks elsewhere, he is the bad guy. So far as I know, marriage vows do not include a vow of celibacy.

Every day, we all have to do things we don’t really want to do but must. I mow the yard and fix the car. I don’t enjoy it, but it’s part of my responsibility to keep the household running. Is it unreasonable of me to expect my wife to fulfill my sexual needs as part of her duty to keep the household running? I’m not talking about anything bizarre or far out, Ann, just basic, ordinary sex on a regular basis.

I know I speak for millions of men. I’d be happy to compromise, but that’s hard to do when your partner has absolutely no interest in sex whatsoever. I’ve tried to talk to her and have asked what she would like me to do differently, but she just plain isn’t interested.

So why isn’t sex considered part of marriage maintenance? She doesn’t want sex? Too bad. I don’t want to get up Saturday morning and clean the storm drains, but I do it anyway. I would like to see your answer in the paper. - Frustrated in New Orleans

Dear New Orleans: A husband who compares making love to his wife with cleaning the storm drains is not a great candidate for romantic coupling. I can understand why your wife is not very responsive.

You view sex as a wife’s duty instead of a shared expression of love, and that is the root of the problem. She probably feels as if she is “servicing” you and gets very little out of it.

I suggest that you get counseling from a competent sex therapist. It might work if your wife isn’t completely turned off from years of being expected to perform whenever you are in the mood, whether she is or not. Too many command performances may have disconnected her erogenous zone. Good luck.

Dear Ann Landers: Our daughter, “Janie,” has a little boy born out of wedlock. She refused help from the father and his family so she could “do it alone.” Janie works for a government agency. When she is at work, she leaves “Junior” with us.

My wife and I are 60-plus, not in the best of health, nor are we wealthy. Janie gives us $100 a week for about 45 hours of day care, but we have Junior more often than that and don’t receive a nickel for our trouble. When I objected to this setup, I was labeled the family’s “horse’s patoot.”

I realize Junior is a typical 3-year-old, but his whining and demands for constant attention are driving me up the wall. I fear another six months of this will undo what several years of Alcoholics Anonymous has accomplished. More important, our marriage is in jeopardy. I need your help. - Grandpa in Mesa, Ariz.

Dear Gramps: Inform Janie she no longer can depend on you to look after Junior and to make other arrangements. No amount of money is worth the problems you describe.

Gem of the Day: A road map will tell you everything you need to know except how to fold it up again.