The Hot Seat
We spend all year poking fun at people in the news. So today we’re poking fun at the Editorial Board as they debate whether day is light and night is dark.
Chris Peck (Liberal Leader, wearing a bandanna)
“I don’t think we want to say that nights are bad. They’re kind of a guy thing like muscle cars and hydroplanes, and that’s OK. This is the West. We can’t tell people to do, or be, things that are against their nature.”
D.F. Oliveria (Staff Christian Conservative Zealot)
“Everyone knows God decides this, and the last election proved that God is a Republican. We could write pro and con if any of you liberals know the difference between dark and light. I’ll do a little name calling and accuse the liberal media of being out of touch.”
Anne Windishar (Staff Petulant Young Person)
“I think this is a stupid idea.”
Doug Floyd (Staff Devil’s Advocate)
“Basically I agree with Anne. Besides, sometimes night is as light as day in the Arctic Circle. And, by dark, do we mean devoid of light? What about the stars? Also when it’s dark here, it’s light in other parts of the world.”
John Webster (Staff Liberal Wannabe, cardigan sweater with tie)
“Whatever we do, we can’t let the bureaucrats decide. They’ve never made a good decision in the history of humankind. I envision a series of editorials pointing out the impact this decision will have on the salmon.”
Stacey Cowles (Staff Owner of the Newspaper, blue suit, red tie)
“What’s the context? If we’re viewing this light/dark issue from inside a private business I think it’s up to the owner to decide if it’s dark or light.”
Rebecca Nappi (Staff Humanist)
“I sense a movement. I think it’s especially important for women not to be influenced by their husbands or societal pressures in decisions like these. Psychologists say that people who obsess over issues of light and dark were abused by carnival clowns when they were children.”
Milt Priggee (Staff public antagonist)
“I can’t participate in discussions like this because they pollute the purity of my opinions.”
Scott Sines (Staff Bald White Guy)
“I’ll put the Earth on The Hot Seat for spinning around and making all the politicians dizzy. I’ll find a way to blame it all on Newt Gingrich and say he’s the reason the country is going to hell in a handbasket.”
Our View
“The opinion of the Editorial Board is that with a few exceptions the rotation of the Earth is generally a good thing. And that under most circumstances it should continue with the support of the newspaper. “
, DataTimes MEMO: The Hot Seat is an irreverent look at controversial issues in the news. The views expressed are those of the writer. Today’s Hot Seat was written by Scott Sines.